Why We Forgive: The Basics of Grace and Relationships

Why is it so hard for me to forgive someone who really hurt me?

Forgiveness feels impossible because we keep score, and the hurt is real. Peter asked Jesus for a number, and Jesus told a story instead. The servant in the story had been forgiven everything and still grabbed a fellow servant by the throat over a small debt.

Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Until seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I don’t tell you until seven times, but, until seventy times seven.

Matthew 18:21–22

“But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him one hundred denarii, and he grabbed him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ “So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will repay you!’ He would not, but went and cast him into prison until he should pay back that which was due.

Matthew 18:28–30

Then his lord called him in and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Shouldn’t you also have had mercy on your fellow servant, even as I had mercy on you?’ His lord was angry, and delivered him to the tormentors until he should pay all that was due to him. So my heavenly Father will also do to you, if you don’t each forgive your brother from your hearts for his misdeeds.”

Matthew 18:32–35

How do I actually forgive someone when I can't stop thinking about what they did?

The king in Jesus' parable does four things: he names the debt, he has compassion, he cancels what is owed, and he releases the man. Each one is a practice, not a feeling. The hard part is that the one who forgives pays the cost, in small installments, often unseen.

Therefore the Kingdom of Heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. When he had begun to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. But because he couldn’t pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, with his wife, his children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.

Matthew 18:23–25

The lord of that servant, being moved with compassion, released him and forgave him the debt.

Matthew 18:27

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” Dividing his garments among them, they cast lots.

Luke 23:34

Repay no one evil for evil. Respect what is honorable in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men. Don’t seek revenge yourselves, beloved, but give place to God’s wrath. For it is written, “Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay, says the Lord.” Therefore “If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in doing so, you will heap coals of fire on his head.” Don’t be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Romans 12:17–21

What's the difference between forgiving someone and trusting them again?

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Forgiveness goes one direction, from you to the offender, and can happen without their apology. Trust takes two people and has to be rebuilt over time. The pastor's point was that releasing someone does not release them from consequences.

The lord of that servant, being moved with compassion, released him and forgave him the debt.

Matthew 18:27

Be careful. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him. If he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in the day, and seven times returns, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.”

Luke 17:3–4

A brother offended is more difficult than a fortified city. Disputes are like the bars of a fortress.

Proverbs 18:19

If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men.

Romans 12:18